Tuesday, June 3, 2008

People have been responding in droves asking me to tell them more about life and living (because I may or may not have a life) I think it might be due to a recent blog that shall remain unnamed (the one right below this one about girls. if you missed it, you missed out!) People ask me all the time "Kevin! with your charm and personality and great looks, you must date a lot!" and in reply, there is but one answer "yes,yes I do" So I've decided to do a little expose on the DATING GAME.....

Guess Who?
What's the deal with having to peel away layers of the person your dating to find out who the Hell they are! It seems to me that there is a rigorous process in the decision making of whom one is going to date and I fit into about zero of the criterias! and it goes a little something like this:

Is he rich? (click,Kevin goes down)
Is he good looking? (click,Kevin goes down)
Does he have a large "member"?(country club member you perv!) (click,click Kevin goes down in two categories)
Does he have a good education? (You know where you can stick that education, Click,Kevin goes down)
Does he have a promising career? (click)
Good body (click)
Smart (click)
Funny (click)
Good Blog (safe)
So basically if I was to be everything that woman wanted me to be I'd be this guy:

No not this guy!

This guy! Damn you Andy (you goonie) why do you have to be everything I'm not.


So I think that we've all been in a relationship that feels like Monopoly! You know what I'm talking about, it goes forever and all you want is to be done but you can't stop because it might be going somewhere! Yeah that's what I thought...Talk about a chance card. The only way to win this one is to own all the rail roads and get the H out, because when you pass go and collect your $200 dollars it's going right to that luxury tax known as womandom... You can own all the properties on the board and still be losing the game. When you want a little free parking (wink) you get the water works saying she's not the community chest and have to pay fifty bucks or roll doubles to get out of jail. So I'd just head down to board walk and stay in one of those nice hotel's I've always heard of and never owned. She's never won no beauty pageant and a little bit of a dog, so you should be just visiting this dating game!

So this is the dating game I'm the most intimately familiar with! (to my great dismay) No matter how much wood you pull and how skillfully you pull it, the whole thing is going to eventually come tumbling down! Here are the biggest problems with the "game"

1. It takes forever to set up
2. Your always creeping around hoping it won't tumble
3. You pick around the edges, until all that's left are sketchy pieces
4. No matter how nimble your fingers are it doesn't matter, it won't help
5. With every move a piece of you is taken away
6. It always ends with frustration and a great deal of shouting!
7. Every time it tumbles you have to figure out how to pick up the pieces and put the darn thing back together.
JENGA, JENGA, JENG-A, you horrible excuse for a good time! I hate you!

Mouse Trap
I have never understood this game! I don't think anyone even knows how this game is played..But as I see it there is nothing quite like a good game of cat and mouse! but what is this you say, there is no cat involved in this game? You as a player (the mouse) run around getting as much "cheese" as you can without getting caught!.... Okay, so a lot of people know how to "play this game"! Men love their "cheese" am I right? But still I sure as heck have no idea how to be a "player" in this game! If I were to even try I'd move two places and get caught in a trap that wasn't even built yet. So in the words of a great musical icon "player, player, player, play on...I like the way you work it...no dig-addy...got to bag it up"

"You sank my battleship!" Is that a metaphor? I hope so..wink (I don't even know what that means....). Battleship what a game! Nothing like trying to break down the defenses of your opponent with hit or miss questions that will hopefully end well (I don't think it's happenstance that there are pegs and holes in this game)...Have you ever been on a date where your conversation was like a game of battleship and your relationship hangs in the balance with every question you ask? It goes a little like this:

You: What's your thoughts on papa smurf being a tyrannical dictator?
Them: I don't know what that means (MISS)
You: If someone paid you a million dollars would you be Jabba the Hutt's love slave for a week?
Them: What's a Jabba? (MISS)
You: Who would win in a fight between Chuck Norris and Hurricane Katrina?
Them: People died during Katrina,it's not funny to kid! (MISS)
You: If John D. Rockefeller and Al Gore had a child would it hate itself?
Them: I heard Al Gore invented the interweb! do you think that's true? (DOUBLE MISS)
You: If you had to write a book about yourself what would it be titled?
Them: The Naked Truth (hit)
Battleship HO!
Hungry Hippo
I go to a school where everyday is like hungry f'ing hippo! Everything is going a hundred miles an hour and your not really sure what's going on you just grab the first thing that comes along and usually it's the worst decision you've ever made. So you just drop it and move on to the next and then the next and then the next...soon your tired and your wrist hurts and you don't know why! (Wow that went over the line, but hungry hippo hurts the wrist.) People love this game of get as many as you can in as little time as possible...Me I'm all about quality over quantity...well if you saw some of my girlfriends you'd say I didn't know anything about either unless quantity is in reference to their size! Hungry hippo is no way to date, but it will get you a ton of balls (in the actual game).

There you have it! A plethora of dating games to wrap your head around...don't be confused or disheartened if your a loser at the dating game.. but everyone wins some and loses some... I've never experienced a loss, but i hear it's tough. Good luck and remember don't do anything I wouldn't do,but if you do! Name it after me.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

It's a jungle out there

I know there are those that think to themselves "wow Kevin sure seems to know everything that there is to know,I wonder if he'll share more of his vast intellect?" the answer: Yes I will.

I was recently in the wilds of life, looking for the rare "Nonexistis minimus" or the perfect girl.

I searched high and low mucking through some real undesirables to bring you this information, though con traversal it may be I think if you really delve into the information you life will be illuminated and you could very well be changed for the rest of your known existence.

Sit back, put on your acceptance caps and enjoy the knowledge ride.

What follows is an extensive detailed alliterated amassed piece of information regarding the many varying types of the female creature. though most will deny their accuracy i will defend my research with well formulated opinion and meticulous and undeniable research evidence. (let's begin)

High Maintanance (Bitchus Maximus)

Status: Thriving

Range: Can be found on all seven continents

Age Range: 11-193

Features: extensive plumage,always colorful attire. easy to spot but hard to avoid.

Danger level: Very High (avoid if possible)

Notes: Well I hate to admit to my own short comings (seeing that I have very few) but I myself have been caught in the web of this creature. when caught it is so hard to release one's self from its awful grasp. though you feel a slight bite at first,it seems to have a numbing effect that make future bites more bearable.You later realize your impending doom is unstoppable unless you have good friends that will pull you out, helping you overcome the poison streaming through your veins. Bottom Line: it's bark is just as bad as its bite (but I like the bite! wink)

Ugly (Lookus Dontwantas)

Status: Way to common for my liking

Range: Found throughout the world except for Sweden and the Chec Republic

Age Range: effective since birth

Features: That's the problem they're ugly

Danger Level: very low (they're usually very pleasant as friends, but they always want more)

Notes: I have no comments. This is the creature that scares me the very most. i think we've all been there and unfortunately done that.

Airhead (DumbAs Superior)

Status: Thriving

Range: The Air head is such a social creature, Always to be found in a herd of 2 or more. these creatures seem to give Darwin's theory a run for it's money. it seems that most Airheads are very fertile and seem to procreate often making it one of the most dominate species in the kingdom.

Features: you can always tell this creature apart from others by observing the blank look on its face when something educated has been presented. And when something funny is said it starts laughing questionably with it's head swinging around to make sure it is not the only one not getting it.

Danger Level: if you have a fully functioning brain Low, but beware they travel in numbers.

Note: Though unaware of its own existence the Airhead can become quite feisty when tampered with so watch out. And you may think it's cute and cuddly but it can bring you down to its level of retardation and in most cases leaves you dumber than before your encounter.

Smarty Pants (Condisendus primus)

Status: Moderate

Range: most often found in places of learning I.E. Libraries, Schools, Internet.

Features: Eye glasses and a Harry Potter note book tend to be a good indication of a Smarty pants. most always you can tell when you have discovered this species by its constant use of the phrase "I read somewhere once" or "your wrong" please also beware that most of the time you cant tell you have a smarty pants because it looks like its cousin Normalas Girlus but once it opens its mouth you should be able to identify it.

Danger Level: to your mental and emotional well being, very high

Note: better leave these creatures to the professionals

Girl Scout (dogoodforpeopleus)
Status: Rare
Range: Girl scouts are found all over the world, but usually only once a year they come out of hibernation to consume and promote consummation of baked goods of the cookie variety.
Features: G.S. are always found in the larvae stage to be colored turquoise but when grown can be found in a plethora of colors.
Danger Level: moderate
Note: when in a larvae stage the G.S. tend to be at their most adorable stage. but as they age and take on a different form they tend to be in a more dilapidated stage where personal hygiene is no longer permissible. though do gooders they claim to be they tend to disregard others in achieving the principal goal of helping others.

The Perfect Girl (nonexsistis minimus)

Status: Extinct

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

My fellow Americans you're Welcome!

To whom it may concern.
It has recently come to my attention that there are those in this country that are shocked and somewhat disgusted by my nude body (found in a recent post, check it out you wont be disappointed)! I'm sorry if you are so ashamed of your own nude form, that does not give you the right to be disgraced by mine.
I am in good company of those that have tried the Naked route let me drop some names Pamela Anderson, Jenny McCarthy, Oprah Winfrey (you know she has done it before (HARPHO)) these are just a few of the people that are not ashamed of themselves being naked in public.
The argument then comes: "well these people look good naked" well all I have to say is "to really fat people I look good", there needs to be a dichotomy of naked people in this world and I'm filling that niche market for free. so in reality I'm better then other naked people because I'm a philanthropist. At the other end of the scale those 1.5% of human beings that are in better shape than I am (bless their hearts) they get the pleasure of knowing that they're in better shape then someone else in this world. I am not really apologizing for my nude actions I'm saying. " you are welcome America."
Further more you were not supposed to stop at my nude picture and say "Oh my" or "for gollies sake"or even "what the Hell", but there was something to be learned from my nudism and the experience I went through so those that didn't get past the picture missed the point.
Well, there it is in a nut shell (pun intended). Again my fellow Americans you are welcome!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Nudists have more fun.

Well it turns out that being a nudist isn't as hard as it looks! Dave and I set out to see what it was like, kind of a walk a mile in their shoes type deal. What we found will shock you.

1. It's not as cold you think it would be.

2. Neighbors are not understanding of the casual nudist.

3. When going to get the mail, don't show up at the exact same time as the mail person it's a little awkward (but humorous when they say "there's your package"

4. Mothers and sisters need to be informed about your new "no clothes" policy before you start your adventure

5. The "Nudists never look"saying is a complete lie

6. The Office (t.v. show) is 10 times funnier in the nude

7. The biggest danger to the nudist is shrinkage

8. Bulimia/Anorexia are also a very real possibility amongst nudists

9. If you've seen one you have not seen them all.

10.The internet becomes your best avenue for dating (http://www.imanudeandsocanyou.com/ )

11. Deep frying food is no longer an option.

12. Feeling good in your own skin, takes on a whole new meaning

13. Christmas cards are ALOT more personal

14. Man boobs are not attractive!! God gave them to women for a reason so I've started a new movement I call it M.W.M.B.A.M.B (Men With Man Boobs Against Man Boobs)

15. No matter how hard you try sitting on a metal folding chair it is not comfortable

16. "Dont try this at home" comes to mind

17. Utah isnt accepting of the nudists plight even though they fought so hard to be accepted themselves

18. It's like Universal Studios Hollywood. if you've done it once in your life, you're good for the rest of your life.

19. Nudism is best left to trained proffessionals and people that are hopped up on drugs and they dont know better and dance around their commune singing "i'm a fairy"

20. It is not as easy as it looks

Well there are just a few things we learned while being nudists for a day. If you have an inclination towards nudism I say why the H not! have fun with it, dont take yourself to seriously,and be safe. One last word of wisdom : it's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog (Thats what she said).

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Hello from atop Mt. Meegs

Well here i am galvanting around the country. It's odd how some people think because you go on some adventure your "galvanting" and thus you dont have your life in order! well I say to them "piss off at least im living!" something that they wish they were doing but cant because their sucked into their sad pathetic lives.
Anywaays heres a picture of me traversing Mt. Meegs, it's was a long and tedious journey as it looks to be, but we crested the summit at 32 hundred hour (military time= 1:03 AM) I'm pictured here with Max and Gertrude their from South America nice guys just a little fruity for my liking.
At one point Max didnt think he was going to make it, but gerty slapped him in the face and said "get off your fat A&& and get out the car, we have to start before we can finish". it inspired us all and frankley got me out of the car as well.
then at 250 feet we had a southwestern blow in that pinned us down for hours,as we huddled together and descussed prominante life changing subjects like "who would you rather" or "what was the worst part of you day and the best". I thought we were going to lose some good men that day. but all we lost was one woman that no one really liked we called her suckajeweea.
I was very blessed to to experiance this grand adventure with close friends that I've known for years, I dont remember all their names but they are great.
you never know what your made of until you go out there and do it. So all those who try to tell you "get your stuff together" I just want them to look at this picture and say to themselves "wow he's so amazing" and " I wish I could be like him" or "he's really got it together because, he's been through so much" May the stories of Mt. Meegs A.K.A K45 inspire you and teach all lifes lessons. hope, honesty, integrity,ability to provide (just to name a few) these will get you trough you average lame life. Just remember Kevins is much more interesting then I will ever be. and know how true that really is.
Much love and God bless from Mt. Meegs: KMF

I'm Honored,but I dont have time for this.

Well it's finally happened, after years and years of dodging those guys down at people magazine and more no's then I can count. I said this year "if you promise to never ask me again I'll do it" and they said that that wasn't possible, so we settled for 3 years without them calling me. I thought that was reasonable.
I just want to thank all those wonderful people at the Mag (what we call it in the biz) you were all great. I love the shot you went with. you were all great to work with.
I want to send a special thanks to my fans. to all the women out there that think i'm the "Sexiest Man Alive" although a very obvious choice for your adoration I want you to know that im a normal person and that this choice as the sexiest wont effect my interaction with all the little people.

Monday, December 3, 2007

It just makes vicarious life worth living!


Well I have to bring up one of my favorite T.V. shows if I'm going to have a blog.
Heroes is amazing even though my brother and I have torn it apart and re-assembled it many many many times. it's still fun to watch just the way it is (sometimes) if you have anything to say about the show comment on my blog and we will discuss openly! unless you say some thing stupid then we will rip you a new one. thank you and enjoy the pictures. Pete go to the Wikepedia site its very informative (and you made it to the blog.congrats pictures to follow)