People have been responding in droves asking me to tell them more about life and living (because I may or may not have a life) I think it might be due to a recent blog that shall remain unnamed (the one right below this one about girls. if you missed it, you missed out!) People ask me all the time "Kevin! with your charm and personality and great looks, you must date a lot!" and in reply, there is but one answer "yes,yes I do" So I've decided to do a little expose on the DATING GAME.....

Guess Who?

What's the deal with having to peel away layers of the person your dating to find out who the Hell they are! It seems to me that there is a rigorous process in the decision making of whom one is going to date and I fit into about zero of the criterias! and it goes a little something like this:

Is he rich? (click,Kevin goes down)

Is he good looking? (click,Kevin goes down)
Does he have a large "member"?(country club member you perv!) (click,click Kevin goes down in two categories)

Does he have a good education? (You know where you can stick that education, Click,Kevin goes down)

Does he have a promising career? (click)

Good body (click)

Smart (click)
Funny (click)

Good Blog (safe)

So basically if I was to be everything that woman wanted me to be I'd be this guy:

No not this guy!

This guy! Damn you Andy (you goonie) why do you have to be everything I'm not.

Monopoly

So I think that we've all been in a relationship that feels like Monopoly! You know what I'm talking about, it goes forever and all you want is to be done but you can't stop because it might be going somewhere! Yeah that's what I thought...Talk about a chance card. The only way to win this one is to own all the rail roads and get the H out, because when you pass go and collect your $200 dollars it's going right to that luxury tax known as womandom... You can own all the properties on the board and still be losing the game. When you want a little free parking (wink) you get the water works saying she's not the community chest and have to pay fifty bucks or roll doubles to get out of jail. So I'd just head down to board walk and stay in one of those nice hotel's I've always heard of and never owned. She's never won no beauty pageant and a little bit of a dog, so you should be just visiting this dating game!

Jenga

So this is the dating game I'm the most intimately familiar with! (to my great dismay) No matter how much wood you pull and how skillfully you pull it, the whole thing is going to eventually come tumbling down! Here are the biggest problems with the "game"

1. It takes forever to set up

2. Your always creeping around hoping it won't tumble

3. You pick around the edges, until all that's left are sketchy pieces

4. No matter how nimble your fingers are it doesn't matter, it won't help

5. With every move a piece of you is taken away

6. It always ends with frustration and a great deal of shouting!

7. Every time it tumbles you have to figure out how to pick up the pieces and put the darn thing back together.

JENGA, JENGA, JENG-A, you horrible excuse for a good time! I hate you!

Mouse Trap
I have never understood this game! I don't think anyone even knows how this game is played..But as I see it there is nothing quite like a good game of cat and mouse! but what is this you say, there is no cat involved in this game? You as a player (the mouse) run around getting as much "cheese" as you can without getting caught!.... Okay, so a lot of people know how to "play this game"! Men love their "cheese" am I right? But still I sure as heck have no idea how to be a "player" in this game! If I were to even try I'd move two places and get caught in a trap that wasn't even built yet. So in the words of a great musical icon "player, player, player, play on...I like the way you work it...no dig-addy...got to bag it up"

Battleship

"You sank my battleship!" Is that a metaphor? I hope so..wink (I don't even know what that means....). Battleship what a game! Nothing like trying to break down the defenses of your opponent with hit or miss questions that will hopefully end well (I don't think it's happenstance that there are pegs and holes in this game)...Have you ever been on a date where your conversation was like a game of battleship and your relationship hangs in the balance with every question you ask? It goes a little like this:

You: What's your thoughts on papa smurf being a tyrannical dictator?

Them: I don't know what that means (MISS)

You: If someone paid you a million dollars would you be Jabba the Hutt's love slave for a week?

Them: What's a Jabba? (MISS)

You: Who would win in a fight between Chuck Norris and Hurricane Katrina?

Them: People died during Katrina,it's not funny to kid! (MISS)

You: If John D. Rockefeller and Al Gore had a child would it hate itself?

Them: I heard Al Gore invented the interweb! do you think that's true? (DOUBLE MISS)

You: If you had to write a book about yourself what would it be titled?

Them: The Naked Truth (hit)

Battleship HO!

Hungry Hippo

I go to a school where everyday is like hungry f'ing hippo! Everything is going a hundred miles an hour and your not really sure what's going on you just grab the first thing that comes along and usually it's the worst decision you've ever made. So you just drop it and move on to the next and then the next and then the next...soon your tired and your wrist hurts and you don't know why! (Wow that went over the line, but hungry hippo hurts the wrist.) People love this game of get as many as you can in as little time as possible...Me I'm all about quality over quantity...well if you saw some of my girlfriends you'd say I didn't know anything about either unless quantity is in reference to their size! Hungry hippo is no way to date, but it will get you a ton of balls (in the actual game).

There you have it! A plethora of dating games to wrap your head around...don't be confused or disheartened if your a loser at the dating game.. but everyone wins some and loses some... I've never experienced a loss, but i hear it's tough. Good luck and remember don't do anything I wouldn't do,but if you do! Name it after me.